Going Solo - Chapter 1.2 - The Absent Father

 The pregnancy went fairly uneventful.  I did get support from the studio and they assured me that my career would still be available after maternity leave ended.  Still, I knew that it was hard enough to do this on your own, much less taking care of a child at the same time.

My little boy Hayden started aging up and it was quite clear that he loved the outdoors.  He also seemed to be quite coordinated, which made me believe that he would be athletic as well.

I still managed to get out and about as much as possible.  It wasn't long and I was noticing quite a few other birth announcements around town.  I was happy to be a mom but knew that I was in no condition to provide what my little boy needed yet.  It also hurt that his father had no idea that he had been born. 

We managed to make a little time for some of the fun activities in town.  Being a relative unknown, I didn't have to deal with questions and rumors.  I was thankful for that as my bank account is not strong enough to deal with slanderous lawsuits.

One of my many joys was teaching Hayden everything I could.  I had missed out on having my mom and dad with me so I was prepared to do everything I could to make sure he got everything I could offer.  He is always so eager to learn and loves to laugh.

I finally had to let Matthew know about his son.  Whether he wanted to be a part of his life or not, he did have the right to know about Hayden.  I braced myself for the call and asked him to come over after work, making sure to let him know that it was extremely important.

I waited and felt the butterflies rising in my stomach.  To take my attention from talking to Matthew, I spent my afternoon working with Hayden.  

Matthew arrived and I just had to lay everything out for him.  I assured him that I was not looking for him to take care of us, but I did want to know if he wanted anything to do with our child.

He listened patiently and I could tell that he was unsure of how to respond to me.  I guess years of being in the limelight had made him very hesitant to make any sort of commitment.

To my surprise, he was extremely excited and wanted to meet Hayden.  He did explain that he was expecting a child with Kirby and I told him that I knew of that.  He said that he had conflicting feelings with her and I had brought doubt in what he wanted in his relationship.

He embraced me and told me that he would do whatever he could to make sure that Hayden and I were happy and had everything we needed.  He even offered to find us a home of our own close to his.

I thanked him for the offer but I told him that I was more than capable of raising our child.  We did not need a hand out.  Matthew would have to decide if he wanted to be a husband or a father, or hopefully both.  

Before I knew what had happened, i found myself in an intimate situation again.  I knew that I was only going to be hurt but it felt so good to have him want me again.  

I tried my best to hide it but when he finally fell asleep I just let myself cry and try to make sense of what this situation was going to be.  I knew that he would not be moving in or leaving Kirby.  It was just something about the way he dodged the question and I started feeling horrible about myself.

As I got ready for returning to work, Matthew found it awkward to be around his son. The boys sat and watched TV in silence.  This was not how I had envisioned starting a family, but all families are different.

We had a long talk over leftover birthday cake.  Although I still could not get a commitment from him, I could see that he was having difficulty knowing what he should do.

I said my goodbyes and asked him to watch Hayden until the babysitter arrived.  He pulled me in close and told me that we would find a way to make this all work.  It would just take time.  It was nice words, but it didn't really make me feel confident.

I threw my anxiety and emotions into my work and was rewarded with a promotion to Key Grip.  It felt good to have something back on track in my life but I had to admit that I missed being home with my baby.

I had to have my sitter extend because a party was being thrown that I had to attend.  My agent had been getting the word out that I was back to work and ready to go.  This was the first time that I could tell just how hard it was going to be trying to be a single working mom.

The party was just the distraction that I needed.  I made a few more contacts and in fact, was able to land a few celebrity points along the way.

Emmy Starr pulled me off to the side and told me that she was very impressed with how I had managed to jump right back into work and show that I was not letting anything stop my goals.  I told her that my goals had to be redesigned a bit, but I was pushing myself as much as I could.

When I got home, Matthew was there.  He said that he had something to tell me.  It was a strange conversation, but eventually he told me that he loved me and then he rushed off.  I could tell that there was something more that he was not saying.  I was tired and I just wanted to tuck in Hayden and head straight to bed.

And then I woke up.  There it was.  In big letters, all across the society page.  Matthew Hamming and Kirby Wise are engaged.  I felt sick.  Why would he come last night and profess his love if he had just gotten engaged?  How was I supposed to move on when he toyed with me this way?